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Showing posts tagged Idiots
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Some people are really smart.
*courtesy of dlisted.com
If you’re going to sell your 16-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, collect before you hand her over! That’s what 36-year-old Macelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, CA failed to do when he sold off his daughter to an 18-year-old dude.
So what did Macelino do when the buyer refused to pay? He went to the police and told them the whole story. What the fuck! Take a class at the Learning Annex about the correct way to sell your child before you do it! The real Jesus isn’t happy that his name is associated with this dumb dumb.
Police arrested Macelino for selling a human person. They also arrested the 18-year-old piece of trash who bought her. Even though police say the girl went willingly, she’s under California’s legal age of consent. The 18-year-old is being held on suspicion of statutory rape.
Apparently, arranged marriages involving underage chicks is a big problem in Greenfield.
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Strong Island!
*courtesy of dlisted.com
When I first read these two horrific stories yesterday, my first thought was “Only in fucking America” and that’s the damn truth. Every year, we hear of bitches getting into knife fights over the last Bratz doll or choking each other for a discounted portable DVD player, but this shit right here is beyond disgusting. Beyond.
At a Wal-Mart (of course) in Long Island, NY yesterday, 34-year-oldJdimytai Damour, a temporary maintenance worker, tried to help to control the crowd of blood-thirsty zombies that stormed into the store at 5am for holiday discounts on dumb shit like X-boxes and flat-screen TVs. The crowd was so hungry to get their fat, greasy hands on stupid shit that they knocked the man over and kept on going. 200 crazies trampled over the man, killing him. He died at a Wal-Mart in Long Island, the day after Thanksgiving. Even when the man was on the ground and lifeless, shoppers continued to run past him like he wasn’t even there.
One Wal-Mart employee, who was also knocked down in the stampede, said, ”He was bum-rushed by 200 people. They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down, too … I didn’t know if I was going to live through it. I literally had to fight people off my back.”
Damour’s family members were told that he died of a heart attack. Four shoppers, including a pregnant women, were also injured. When shoppers were told that they had to leave because an employee had died, they started shouting “I’ve been on line since Friday morning!!!”
Wal-Mart’s spokeswhore, SATAN, issued this statement: ”We expected a large crowd this morning and added additional internal security, additional third-party security, additional store associates and we worked closely with the Nassau County police. We also erected barricades. Despite all of our precautions, this unfortunate event occurred.”
Unfortunate event?! An unfortunate event was me almost pooping my pants yesterday. This is way, way, way beyond an “unfortunate event.” You know, it makes so much sense that this happened at Wal-Mart, the epitome of American grossness. I hope that on Christmas morning, when the Wal-Mart savages’ children are opening their stupid presents, they tell them ”I hope you like it, because I had to kill a man for it.”
And on the other side of the country, two men died at a Toys ‘R Us in Palm Desert, CA. According to the L.A. Times, two chicks started arguing inside the store. One witness said it might have been over a toy, but another witness said it was over personal issues between them. Both were with dudes. One of the dudes pulled out a gun, shot it in the air and then shot the other man. It’s assumed that the man who was shot also had a gun and used it to shoot the other dude. They both died.
What the fuck is wrong with America? Even wild animals behave better than we do. Stories like this make me want to donate all my shit to charity and go live in the woods for the rest of my life. People suck.
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Bitch, Please!
*courtesy of dlisted.com
THE B is For…
In case you were sucking dick in the office bathroom and haven’t read about this shit yet, the girl who claimed she was beat down by an Obama supporter admitted to lie-telling. 20-year-old Ashley Todd basically pulled the story out of her ass. She went to the police after she said a “black guy” robbed her shit at an ATM and then carved a “B” on her face, because he saw the McCain bumper sticker on her car. The “B” was for “Bitch, please!”
The cops says she is being charged with being a dumb bitch and making a false report.
Ok. If you’re going to do this shit. Do it right! Get a fucking friend to carve the “B,” so that it’s not backwards! If you have to do it yourself, do an “O” instead! DAMN! Do I have to teach these nitwit whores everything? She could’ve called me up. I would’ve done it for her, but instead of carving her face with a “B,” I would’ve written “Dumb Bitch” on her forehead with a Sharpie.
This ho needs to call it a day and take a fucking nap. Playtime is over!
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Meet Michael Savage, my arch nemesis.
I want to go Gary Busey on his ass and pull his endocrine system right out of his body.
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TRUE STORY
*courtesy of dlisted.com
Police in Kansas were shocked to find a 35-year-old woman stuck to her boyfriend’s toilet. The woman wasn’t glued or tied to the seat. She had been there for 2 years and her skin had grown around the seat. She refused help, but after a little convincing she agreed. They had to pry the seat off and send it with her to the hospital. And I thought it was embarrassing showing up with a bottle up your ass. Imagine showing up with a toilet seat stuck to your butt? I hope it was a pretty color and nothing super tacky like a beach scene. Imagine! Extra embarrassing.
They found the woman kind of out of it and her legs looked like they were wasting away. They weren’t sure if she suffered from any sort of mental or physical disability. I can tell you. The bitch has mental problems. There, I saved you the doctor fees.
Police are considering pressing charges against her 36-year-old boyfriend. He told police that every day he would bring her food and ask if she wanted to come out of the bathroom. Her response would be, “Maybe tomorrow.” Of course she’s not going to say yes, because her fucking ass skin has become one with the seat. It’s not like she can just pourette off the seat!
The boyfriend finally called the police after 2 years and said “there was something wrong with his girlfriend.” YES! Her fucking ass cheeks were eaten by the toilet seat. Does he not understand this?! I would cry a million tears if I lost my ass cheeks.
The idiot wouldn’t explain why it took him so long to call. Maybe the telephone was in the toilet?
Police have not released their names. I don’t care about their names, I want pictures. The paparazzi need to change their focus. Instead of giving us 10 million pictures of Vanessa Hudgens, they need to get us this shit.
I’m never going to be able to look at my toilet seat again. I’m going to have to hold on to the walls and perform some Cirque du Soleil moves while I take a dump. There’s no way I’m letting my cheeks near that toilet seat.
Poor lady, her life was in the crapper. Literally!
